Malvolio the Mad Axe Murderer
by The-Oddish
Summary: My sequel to Twelfth Night. It's funny. Err... as Sir Andrew once said, "do but read."


Malvolio the Mad Axe Murderer; the Sequel to Twelfth Night  
  
Well, I don't own anyone in Twelfth Night. I don't even own my battered copy of the play; the school does. If I did own Twelfth Night, the original, I would a) be very old and b) be called Shakespeare. And I'm not. Am I? I don't know. I'm very confused. Anyway. Confused about the title? Well… remember Malvolio swore "revenge on the pack of you"? Now he's back for his revenge! Also Sebastian isn't confused anymore, Viola still pretends to be Cesario sometimes, Antonio—oh heck, I'm spoiling it. Just read it. And yes, it's modernized. I can't write Shakespearian (though I can read it—sort of).  
  
"Sebastian?" Olivia asked, playing with a lock of hair and just adjusting to the fact that her husband was called Sebastian and not Cesario.  
  
"What is it, darling?" he asked.  
  
"Well… you remember my steward, Malvolio? Remember he swore to kill me?"  
  
"Oh yes, what about him?" Sebastian asked lightly.  
  
"What do you think happened to him?"  
  
"Hmm…" Sebastian paused. "I expect he's just waiting for the moment you go unguarded, and then he'll get you."  
  
"Oh…" she considered it for a moment. "All right then."  
  
Orsino looked embarrassed. "Viola?"  
  
She smiled. "What is it?"  
  
"Well…" his cheeks went pink. "You remember when you were Cesario?"  
  
"Yes, what about it?"  
  
"Well, it's just…" Orsino looked at his feet. "When you were… the thing is… heck, how do I put this? Err… well… when you were dressed a bloke, I found it really… I love you as you are, but when you were a man, it was…" he hesitated. "Exciting."  
  
Viola collapsed into giggles.  
  
Orsino looked hurt. "Are you laughing at me?"  
  
Viola stopped. "No, it's funny… I was just thinking the same thing."  
  
"Really?" he sounded hopeful.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Hey, Maria," Sir Toby called. "Do you feel like throwing a party tonight?"  
  
"Well," she replied, "we had a party last night, and the night before, and the one before. Maybe we could have an evening in together."  
  
"Ah…" Toby considered it. "That sounds like fun, dearest, but I told Andrew to bring some drink."  
  
Maria sighed. "Fine."  
  
"Oh come on Maria, you like parties."  
  
She sighed again. "I suppose…"  
  
Antonio sat down depressively on a bench. He was (yet again) homeless. He'd been staying with Olivia and Sebastian but it was obvious that he was in the way. Everyone else was a couple—Olivia and Sebastian, Maria and Toby… but not Antonio. He could see why, sure, but he couldn't be the only bloke in the whole of Illyria who was more interested in blokes than women…  
  
"Something the matter?"  
  
Antonio jumped.  
  
"Sorry," the voice added. "Didn't mean to scare you. I'm Feste."  
  
"Feste…" Antonio scanned his brain for where the name could be familiar. "Were you Fool to Olivia?"  
  
"Yep," Feste grinned, "that's me. But," he sounded more miserable suddenly, "Who needs a Fool when you've got a husband?"  
  
"Aah," Antonio said when it sunk in. "You… and Olivia… and then Sebastian… ah… yeah…"  
  
"Yeah. So, what about you?"  
  
Antonio looked embarrassed. "I'm not really… into women," he said with a shrug.  
  
"Oh, so you're…" Feste trailed off. "And Sebastian."  
  
Antonio knew what he meant, despite the lack of words and meaning in the sentence. "He married Olivia."  
  
"Sometimes you just want what's best for the person you love," Feste offered helpfully. "And sometimes you just want the best for yourself. Err, not saying you're selfish or anything," he added quickly.  
  
"Yeah… now I'm homeless," Antonio said, not really listening.  
  
"What? You mean they kicked you out?"  
  
"More or less. I was in the way, and I knew it was only temporary, and…"  
  
"Well," Feste said optimistically, "park benches can be… very comfortable."  
  
"Fantastic," replied Antonio, with no feeling.  
  
Meanwhile, many, many miles away, in a lunatic asylum…  
  
"I'M NOT MAD!" Malvolio yelled, pounding the bars. "Just because I ran about yelling 'I'll kill her!' and mumbled about murdering in my sleep does not make me INSANE! Just because… because I was running riot with a very big axe does not mean you have a right to lock me up in the dark! LET ME OUT!"  
  
"Just stick some drugs in his water bowl, that'll calm him down," one of the asylum workers muttered to another.  
  
"LET ME OUT!" he roared again.  
  
"Sir, you're scaring all the other lunatics," the first worker said gently. She waved her hand to the others, who were sitting shaking in the corners, rocking back and forth.  
  
"I don't care! I don't deserve this!" he screamed, hitting his head against the bars. One snapped off in his hands, and the others broke against his head. "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shrieked, running away.  
  
Anyway, back in the land of the sane, Olivia and Sebastian were calmly discussing what would happen if Malvolio happened to get free. "Nah, it would never happen," Olivia said finally.  
  
"You're right," Sebastian agreed. "Let's do something fun!"  
  
Which is Sebastian-and-Olivia speak for…  
  
Anyway, let's just see what Orsino and "Cesario" are up to… or maybe not. Let's just skip to Sir Toby's party.  
  
Sir Andrew downed two more glasses before getting up to sing. His idea of "singing", however, disagreed with the ears of even the very very drunk, such as Toby. Sir Toby threw an empty bottle at him, missing by a good nine feet. "Off the stage!" he yelled, despite there being no stage in sight. Maria, who despised her husband's drinking, was even more drunk than Toby (if that was possible), and past the stage of actually being able to talk. Luckily the rest of the guests had gone home when Andrew refused to stop singing (although it was unclear what he was trying to sing), and Toby got to his feet and drunkenly challenged Andrew to a fight. Suddenly, the doors flew open and in came—  
  
Cliffhanger. :oP Nerr. So, as for Feste and Antonio. Feste offered Antonio a room at his house for a while (his house that doth stand by the church). Feste and Antonio had a "getting to know each other session" (take that to mean absolutely whatever you want, the sicker the better) and the others are all having fun. What will happen next? Who will Mal murder first? Ooh, I love insaneness! 


End file.
